The landscape of parenting has evolved significantly, particularly for those raising teenage boys. As families grapple with the impact of social media and the lingering effects of the COVID-19 pandemic, many parents are reflecting on their approaches to nurturing their sons. This is particularly relevant as more boys report feelings of loneliness and confusion amid changing societal norms surrounding masculinity and relationships.
In their new book, Talk to Your Boys: 16 Conversations to Help Tweens and Teens Grow Into Confident, Caring Young Men, educator Christopher Pepper and coauthor Joanna Schroeder aim to equip families with effective communication strategies. Pepper, who has coordinated Young Men’s Health Groups in San Francisco, emphasizes the importance of open dialogues about critical topics such as technology, consent, and substance use.
Understanding the Modern Challenges
One significant change affecting today’s boys is the prevalence of smartphones and video games. According to Pepper, these technologies have diminished opportunities for in-person interactions, leading to decreased socialization and dating among teenagers. He notes, “We’ve seen a decrease in dating, largely replaced with people on devices or on video games.” This shift has profound implications for emotional development and social skills.
Parents are increasingly expressing concern about the influences their sons encounter online. During Pepper’s presentations, he often finds himself addressing personal questions from anxious parents. “We’ve seen that concern come up with boys who are connecting with charismatic figures online,” he explains. These figures may not always provide positive role models, complicating the developmental landscape for young men.
The impact of the #MeToo movement has also created a complex environment for teenage boys. Many are grappling with questions about their roles and behaviors in a society that increasingly scrutinizes masculinity. “Things feel unsettled for a lot of adult men and boys trying to figure out ‘What is my place in the world?’” Pepper states. He advocates for conversations that clarify acceptable behaviors, emphasizing that while attraction and flirting are normal, harassment is not.
Creating Meaningful Connections
In his work with boys, Pepper has observed the powerful pull of video games and the often inappropriate language used during play. He sees a need for intervention to teach respect and empathy. “The thing that seems funny when you say it may come across as deeply painful,” he warns. This highlights the critical role parents play in guiding their sons toward understanding the impact of their words.
Failure to engage with boys during this formative stage can have dire consequences. Pepper points out that many boys feel alienated from educational environments, contributing to declining college completion rates. “If we don’t help boys find those connections, they do find connections with hate groups,” he says. This can lead to the adoption of extremist beliefs as they search for explanations for their struggles.
When it comes to their online interactions, boys often seek guidance on issues pertinent to adolescence, such as fitness and relationships. Yet, they are frequently exposed to content that perpetuates harmful stereotypes. “I don’t like to use the term toxic masculinity very much,” Pepper remarks, “but sometimes the content that is fed to boys feels pretty toxic.”
Parents may feel uncertain about how to approach sensitive topics like pornography or alcohol with their sons, fearing that early discussions might incite curiosity. Pepper emphasizes that the average age for youth exposure to pornography is around 12 years old. He suggests that parents should proactively initiate conversations, similar to discussions about drinking and driving, to ensure their children are informed and safe.
Storytelling can be a powerful tool in these conversations. Pepper encourages parents to share appropriate anecdotes from their own lives or from friends. “You do not need to share everything that you’ve ever done in your life to be an effective parent,” he advises.
Before engaging in discussions, parents are encouraged to develop a strategy, especially if they are co-parenting. “Lay out your fears. What are your concerns?” Pepper suggests. Resources like thenewdrugtalk.org can provide valuable scenarios and guidance for navigating these important conversations.
The question of who should lead discussions about sexuality is also crucial. Pepper suggests that the most comfortable person for the task should take the lead. He encourages men—whether fathers, uncles, or educators—to partake in these discussions, as many boys benefit from seeing adult men who can discuss feelings and relationships openly.
Key Takeaways for Parents
After interviewing 85 boys and young men aged 10 to 22, Pepper found that many expressed a desire for more open communication with adults. “Some of them said their dads were very rigid, and they wished that their dads would be more real with them,” he notes.
He stresses the importance of staying engaged as boys transition into adolescence. “You have to keep going, really parent these boys, even into early adulthood,” he advises. Despite the challenges, it is crucial for parents to remain involved, as boys need guidance from caring adults who are willing to be present in their lives.
In conclusion, as the landscape of parenting continues to shift, it is essential for parents to adapt their strategies to support their sons effectively. By fostering open communication and actively engaging with their teenage boys, parents can help them navigate the complexities of modern life and grow into confident, caring individuals.
